Since October is awareness month, I thought I would share this October with you. Right after Irma we found out I was pregnant. I know, do the math, that would put me at about ten weeks pregnant. Don't feel surprised I didn't tell you, I didn't even tell my mom. Sorry Mamma!
Above is when I told Josh. I had a photographer take pictures of us on the beach, for an ad for Glass Doctor to help show we were locals (or least thats what I told Josh) during the secession she asked me how big is it? I bent down and grabbed some sand and showed him the sand, and said, "our baby is about this big, you are FINALLY going to be a Daddy."
I didn't want to tell anyone until we got through the first trimester. Josh wanted to tell right away, looking back I was selfish not telling. I just didn't want to have to have the conversation I am about to have to have after everyone was so happy. My thoughts was don't tell anyone, and then if something hapenens we wouldn't disapoint, or have to break anyone but our own hearts. That is where I was so wrong though. As we are going through this all I can think of is tell people. Ask people for prayers. I know we are not alone.
I went and had my first sonogram last week. Not knowing there was any issues. I was only measuring right at six weeks, and there was no heartbeat. I can not tell you how amazing everyone at the office was. She had me go back into the lobby for a bit and then the Dr. called me back. While I was in the lobby, I was trying to distract my mind from going everywhere it shouldn't be so, I got on instagram, (I know always mind numbing right) and my dear college friend had shared this devo. WOW! I love how God intervines right when you need him. When the Dr. called me back I just kept on repeating the verses in my head over and over again.
The Dr. was so calm! Already knowing that one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage and the fact my mom had one before me, I knew this was always a possiblity. He explained to me that it could just be that my dates are wrong, our baby could have just stopped growing, or I could be experieniencing a miscarrage. He told me to get blood work and we would get a plan of action. Of course I left the Dr. office to late to get blood work that night, so the next day I went and got blood work done. I also got blood work two other times to measure HCG levels. Mine did just what they would for a miscarriage decrease over the three tests.
The one thing that the Dr. said that just really sticks in my head though is, "God just wanted to hold on to your baby in heaven. He thought their life would be better there than here." Wow go back to the verses I had read before I walked back to talk with the Dr. I think the Dr. was so surprised how calm and just matter of the fact I was, as he left he assured me if I left and had any questions to call him anytime he was here for me and did not want me to feel lost with questions.
So for now, that is all the weeks we get to know this baby. That is the only time we really get to be with them. We hope and pray that was not our only shot at being parents but know that His plan is always better than our plan. I am writing this because most of my readers have been with us through some hard times in our life, but also to explain it once. I started this blog to give a real snap shot into our life, not a fake facade put on just for the blog. This is us right now.
I am usually a pretty open person, but at this point I really just do not want to talk about this to anyone. I want you to know what is going on, know that we are are OK, and that we are trusting His plan. I hope one day I will be ready to talk, but until then, I am really trying to avoid face to face converstaion or over the phone converstaion about this. I know I am avoiding, but that is how I am coping. Don't feel like you can't text, message or other things. Thank you for your prayers, love, concerns, and encouragement. We love yall!